Taking down my Christmas tree makes me sad

When Scott and I moved to New York in 2005, we had a very hard time assimilating into winter. I bought us a Martha Stewart pre-lit tree that year to try and brighten up our house. Years ago mom gave me all the ornaments that she collected for me when I was a kid (one each year until I was about 20) and it made me so happy to put them all on the tree. I thought I would continue that tradition, and I made Scott go shopping with me to pick out the perfect pair of ornaments for ourselves that year. We bought them at Crate & Barrel on Houston and Broadway. They made the tree our tree. It made it even more our home. We kept the tree up through February 2006 because we loved it so much.

But it was bittersweet to put it up this year. I already felt lonely, and I thought the tree would help. But I didn't really feel anything. It didn't make me feel better or worse. It was just there. I felt a little numb I think.

I thought I would leave it up through winter again and see if it brightened my season a bit, but a couple weeks ago I realized that it wasn't working. I might as well take it down.

When I started taking it down this morning I started with all of the ornaments from when I was a kid. When all that was left were the balls, I looked and saw that the only two unique ones left were mine and Scott's.


I don't miss everything about our relationship, but I do miss some things. I miss his company, and his friendship. I miss having someone around that understands me. I miss the way we laughed all the time. I miss the way he helped make winter bearable.

I don't know that I'll put the tree up next year. Or if I do, maybe its time to get rid of our tree, and find a fabulous new one of my own.