Tonight was a fun night out drinking with the boys. After seeing the overly-hyped completely unbelievable Wolverine movie, D and I came home and had a couple cocktails. Once we were sufficiently primed on cheap vodka and diet cream soda (I wanted to take it back to my white trash roots), we found our friends at the bars. One hour of silly bar conversation later, the deep voice of the almost sexy bartender rang through the bar: "5 minutes left to closing". We all tried to figure out where to go next. I lived the closest, so it was decided that we would head to my place. Everyone agreed to be quiet and not wake up my best friend a few doors down the hall. "Fine", I said, "Let's go."
Trust me, I have been to an after hours party in my day. I wouldn't even know where exactly the start the story of the after hours. And actually I feel like I was setting you up for disappointment by talking about mine tonight. Lets just be clear that nothing happened. I'm one of those old dudes in a couple now who goes home at 2am with his boyfriend and kicks the stragglers out soon after. But this story is not about tonight. Its about my early years.... Where do I start? Forget starting. Let's just bullet-point this crap and give you and idea of what I grew up with:
- Age 24: I went to Universe (nightly club in San Franciso until 2001), and went back to the corporate apartment of a guy I knew from San Diego whose work had just moved him up from San Diego. I was there with a guy 15 years older than me who I was sleeping with. He took someone else into the bathroom, stood on the bathroom counter, and pee'd all over the place, including on the guy. I was a bit surprised when they told me the story, but hey, "welcome to San Francisco kid."
- Age 26: I went to a small after hours club South of Market with the same guy who randomly pee'd on the other guy two years earlier. We were just friends now. We had a great morning dancing with some crazy guys from around town. At some point in the morning when we decided to leave, we got in the coat check line to get our coats. A cute kid came up to Mark (pee guy) and started rubbing his trousers. Mark smiled. The guy got on his knees. I watched in disbelief as the guy blew him in the coat check line, until after just a short minute or two the scene ended with Mark's quiet grunts. I couldn't believe this was happening for real in front of me in the coat check line?!
- Age 28: I was living in Sydney. I went out to a gay club, and a group of fun straight folks asked me to come back to their place in the morning. One of their best friends was a life-sized replica of a Barbie Doll. She was beautiful. She also put all of her effort into seducing me. It worked. It was the last time I had sex with a woman. Not a bad last I must say.
- Age 29: I was visiting San Francisco, and after whatever respectable event I had been to earlier in the evening, I went to the End Up (24 hour club). I got kicked out shortly after for being in a bathroom stall with a very beautiful man. His fault. I swear.
- Age 30 and 31: Same kind of stuff.
- Age 32: Last summer I went out with my girls and a guy friend named Robert. After the club a group of us came back to my place. Robert got naked and danced a little bit in front of my mirror in the bedroom. When I insisted he put some clothes on, he found a red tutu (I am actually not sure where that came from). Robert sat with his legs crossed under the red tutu in my bedroom and drank a pitcher of margaritas.
- Age 33: Tonight.
As I read this again I realize my stories went in reverse order of shock-factor. So maybe you won't be let down when I sign off now. I really need to get some sleep. Nite nite.
