Saturday was a beautiful warm day in San Francisco, and at 1pm I left the house thinking I might walk down to a local park and sit in the sun for a while. Just after I left my house, I met my friend Brad on the street. I asked if he wanted to join me, and he said sure, he just wanted to buy a sandwich first.
It took him a while to get his sandwich. While I waited I stood outside, and I felt the creeping tingle of my demon, Loneliness, sitting with me. It has been a constant through most of my life, despite the great people I know and love, against all reason, it is just there. Half an hour earlier I was trying to escape it, and it made me want to be outside, around people. That is why I decided to go to the park. Now I had a buddy to join me. I was very thankful that I ran into Brad.
When Brad got his sandwich we started walking to the park. He said that he had a great time hanging out with me at Lazy Bear. "What?" I said. "You were at Lazy Bear?"
He said, "Wow, I didn't realize you were that drunk."
I guess I had been. "Were you drunk?" I asked.
"No way, not anymore," he replied. "I can't drink at all anymore. My doctor told me the other day that my liver is shot."
Though Brad said it with a laugh, he wasn't kidding. Brad has both HIV and Hepatitis C. Unfortunately, when he got Hep C a couple years ago, he didn't realize it, and kept drinking like normal. Hep C affects the liver, and his normal drinking on top of the disease caused his liver to stay swollen for over six months. That trauma in combination with his HIV means that his liver will probably fail soon. He asked his doctor recently when he thought his liver would fail, and the doctor said he probably had a year left. There are so many people waiting for a liver transplant that he can't even get on the list until he goes into liver failure. By that point survival will be a crap shoot. He might live; he might die.
"Let me know if you see anyone selling livers out of their trunk in the Mission," he joked.
Brad made jokes through our whole conversation. Last year he thought he would live a normal life, and this year he knows he might be living his last. And Brad is not sad. Brad is the same guy who was so hilarious when we became friends 8 years ago that I took him to parties with me all the time and had him follow me around like my sidekick. Brad laughs about everything, and that day he talked about his own mortality with an optimism and ease that made me admire him in a way I have never admired anyone before. It made me want to hold him, and it made me want to laugh with him. Most of all, it made me realize that I wasn't having such a bad day after all.
Its easy to get bogged down in your own head, focusing on little things that bug you or bring you down. But seriously folks, remember, if you're not gonna die, you're having a good day.
Lots of love to my friends and family. It has been a pleasure having you in my life another day.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Vendor Management
Just to wrap up my last post... the thing with Daniel is really over now. That mystery didn't last long. Ok, back to my selacious stories.
So I started a job a couple months ago, and as a project manager, one of my main job responsibilities is managing vendors. My team outsources everything. We hire sites to do research, auditors to oversee the sites, trainers, website developers, and actually, I'm a contractor so I guess even I'm outsourced. Last month we had a meeting in Chicago where we brought representatives from all of the sites together to train and schmooze and drink until middle aged women did embarrassing things. And of course, we hired an event management company to organize the meeting.
The organizers did a great job, and the event went off without a hitch. When we finished on Friday, I had about an hour before I had to leave for the airport. I had been up for 10 hours and still had 8 hours of travel ahead of me, so I decided to go take a shower in the hotel gym. The locker room was quite small and had two showers in it. I walked into the first one and took a nice slow shower. As I dried off I realized I still probably had 50 minutes and nothing to do. I decided to just go sit in the steam room for a while and relax.
When I entered I noticed there was another guy in the room. At first I just sat and looked down, but after a bit I realized that I recognized the guy. He was part of the event management team we had hired. I had seen him around a couple times, and while I thought he was attractive, he had that normal-guy-from-the-middle-of-the-country aura that allowed him to sneak under my radar. I said hello, and we talked about the meeting a bit. He said his name was Eric. I then thanked him for his help over the week and said goodbye. I had to take one more shower to get the sweat off me, but the one I had been in before was full, so I walked past it to the other one and got inside the stall.
A minute or two later I was startled by someone opening the door to my shower stall. I turned abruptly so that I could tell the person that it was occupied, but what I saw was Eric. As I stood there confused, he reached in and handed me a key. "I think you left this in the other shower," he said. He was right. I had left my locker key in the shower the first time. I took it and thanked him. He closed the stall door.
I continued showering, but then I noticed that he hadn't actually closed the stall door all the way. And I also could tell that he was still standing outside a couple feet away. I thought he might be waiting for one of the showers to open up again, though it also occurred to me that he might just be waiting for some attention. I caught his eye through the gap in the door. That was all the acknowledgement he needed. He opened the door and came in.
But instead of looking at me or reaching out or doing anything suggestive of sex, he hung his towel on a hook and started the shower next to me. I hadn't realized it until then, but there were two shower heads in the stall and they were actually far enough apart that it was possible for two people to use the shower at the same time. I thought, hmmm, he looks like he's from Kansas but maybe he's from Europe and doesn't realize this is a bit weird. He wasn't looking at me and I was too confused and uncomfortable to say anything, so I tried to just go on about my business.
The uniqueness of the situation caused a little stir in me though, and while my face might have been playing it cool, other parts of me didn't remain so subtle. I tried to angle away from him to hide it, but I didn't have much room to play with. When he saw it, everything changed. He turned towards me, grabbed himself, and said, "Cum for me." I did. He bolted out of the shower.
By the time I rinsed off and made it to the locker room, he was completely dressed. "I think someone caught us," he said. He kept staring at the door as he furiously put his shoes on and closed his bag. No one had caught us, I thought. He was being so paranoid. And then was when I realized that he probably was "straight". He grabbed his bag, and with a nod of his head he left.
Its too bad we only have those meetings once a year. I can't wait to see what happens next time we hire my new favorite vendor.
So I started a job a couple months ago, and as a project manager, one of my main job responsibilities is managing vendors. My team outsources everything. We hire sites to do research, auditors to oversee the sites, trainers, website developers, and actually, I'm a contractor so I guess even I'm outsourced. Last month we had a meeting in Chicago where we brought representatives from all of the sites together to train and schmooze and drink until middle aged women did embarrassing things. And of course, we hired an event management company to organize the meeting.
The organizers did a great job, and the event went off without a hitch. When we finished on Friday, I had about an hour before I had to leave for the airport. I had been up for 10 hours and still had 8 hours of travel ahead of me, so I decided to go take a shower in the hotel gym. The locker room was quite small and had two showers in it. I walked into the first one and took a nice slow shower. As I dried off I realized I still probably had 50 minutes and nothing to do. I decided to just go sit in the steam room for a while and relax.
When I entered I noticed there was another guy in the room. At first I just sat and looked down, but after a bit I realized that I recognized the guy. He was part of the event management team we had hired. I had seen him around a couple times, and while I thought he was attractive, he had that normal-guy-from-the-middle-of-the-country aura that allowed him to sneak under my radar. I said hello, and we talked about the meeting a bit. He said his name was Eric. I then thanked him for his help over the week and said goodbye. I had to take one more shower to get the sweat off me, but the one I had been in before was full, so I walked past it to the other one and got inside the stall.
A minute or two later I was startled by someone opening the door to my shower stall. I turned abruptly so that I could tell the person that it was occupied, but what I saw was Eric. As I stood there confused, he reached in and handed me a key. "I think you left this in the other shower," he said. He was right. I had left my locker key in the shower the first time. I took it and thanked him. He closed the stall door.
I continued showering, but then I noticed that he hadn't actually closed the stall door all the way. And I also could tell that he was still standing outside a couple feet away. I thought he might be waiting for one of the showers to open up again, though it also occurred to me that he might just be waiting for some attention. I caught his eye through the gap in the door. That was all the acknowledgement he needed. He opened the door and came in.
But instead of looking at me or reaching out or doing anything suggestive of sex, he hung his towel on a hook and started the shower next to me. I hadn't realized it until then, but there were two shower heads in the stall and they were actually far enough apart that it was possible for two people to use the shower at the same time. I thought, hmmm, he looks like he's from Kansas but maybe he's from Europe and doesn't realize this is a bit weird. He wasn't looking at me and I was too confused and uncomfortable to say anything, so I tried to just go on about my business.
The uniqueness of the situation caused a little stir in me though, and while my face might have been playing it cool, other parts of me didn't remain so subtle. I tried to angle away from him to hide it, but I didn't have much room to play with. When he saw it, everything changed. He turned towards me, grabbed himself, and said, "Cum for me." I did. He bolted out of the shower.
By the time I rinsed off and made it to the locker room, he was completely dressed. "I think someone caught us," he said. He kept staring at the door as he furiously put his shoes on and closed his bag. No one had caught us, I thought. He was being so paranoid. And then was when I realized that he probably was "straight". He grabbed his bag, and with a nod of his head he left.
Its too bad we only have those meetings once a year. I can't wait to see what happens next time we hire my new favorite vendor.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Friends with Benefits (though a risk/benefit assessment might not hurt)
I haven't written in over a month now because I have been dating a boy named Daniel. He subscribed to my blog just before my last post, and I wasn't sure how to stay objective when I wrote when I knew he would read it. And then he dumped me last Tuesday. Problem solved. Now I can talk about him all I want. Ha! Daniel Daniel Daniel.
I could talk about why Daniel and I worked, but that would be boring now that we have stopped seeing each other. So I'll just skip right to the breakup. Two weekends ago we went to Lazy Bear, which is a big American circuit party for Bears. In case you're not familiar, Bears are a subsect of the gay community that consists of large furry manly men. We went with some friends of mine, and while I had intended to stay mostly sober for Daniel, I started getting very jealous of my friends who were partying, and on Sunday my willpower cracked. I asked Daniel if I could partake in some artificial happiness, and he said yes. From what I remember the rest of the afternoon consisted of flirting, talking, and general merriment.
It wasn't so merry for Daniel though. He is basically sober, and seeing me in my special place was uncomfortable for him. So last Tuesday, after much consideration, he told me that it didn't make sense for him to grow fonder of me when he knew that my partying would always bother him. He cried. I left.
I can't believe I was dumped for partying while I was deep in my hangover. Oh, the irony.
We didn't talk for a couple days, but we see each other at the gym every night, so talking was inevitable. On Friday he came up to say hi. There was awkward chit chat, and then some small sequence of events led to us making out in the locker room. It was good too; right in the entrance so that everyone walking in and out got a good show of two guys in a tongue fight. Then I just said goodbye.
Today he texted me saying that I was on his mind and asking if I wanted to have dinner. When I got to his house I went to his room. I wasn't sure what conversation was about to follow and I didn't want to get caught off guard in a restaurant. He said that he just wanted to hang out and suggested we go out as friends.
Ok, that's fine and all. But I told him that I was dying to have sex with him. Can't friends have sex? I didn't wait for an answer. I put my hand on his leg. Another small sequence of events led to me riding the bucking bronco and then collapsing on his chest. We laid there in silence until he started falling asleep. I kissed his cheek and said it was time to go to dinner now.
I'm usually much better at boundaries. When a relationship ends, it is over. I don't want to talk, I just want to piece together my self esteem and get on with it. So without much experience in this arena, I can't easily see where this will end.
But now that I can write about it, you'll know when I do.
I could talk about why Daniel and I worked, but that would be boring now that we have stopped seeing each other. So I'll just skip right to the breakup. Two weekends ago we went to Lazy Bear, which is a big American circuit party for Bears. In case you're not familiar, Bears are a subsect of the gay community that consists of large furry manly men. We went with some friends of mine, and while I had intended to stay mostly sober for Daniel, I started getting very jealous of my friends who were partying, and on Sunday my willpower cracked. I asked Daniel if I could partake in some artificial happiness, and he said yes. From what I remember the rest of the afternoon consisted of flirting, talking, and general merriment.
It wasn't so merry for Daniel though. He is basically sober, and seeing me in my special place was uncomfortable for him. So last Tuesday, after much consideration, he told me that it didn't make sense for him to grow fonder of me when he knew that my partying would always bother him. He cried. I left.
I can't believe I was dumped for partying while I was deep in my hangover. Oh, the irony.
We didn't talk for a couple days, but we see each other at the gym every night, so talking was inevitable. On Friday he came up to say hi. There was awkward chit chat, and then some small sequence of events led to us making out in the locker room. It was good too; right in the entrance so that everyone walking in and out got a good show of two guys in a tongue fight. Then I just said goodbye.
Today he texted me saying that I was on his mind and asking if I wanted to have dinner. When I got to his house I went to his room. I wasn't sure what conversation was about to follow and I didn't want to get caught off guard in a restaurant. He said that he just wanted to hang out and suggested we go out as friends.
Ok, that's fine and all. But I told him that I was dying to have sex with him. Can't friends have sex? I didn't wait for an answer. I put my hand on his leg. Another small sequence of events led to me riding the bucking bronco and then collapsing on his chest. We laid there in silence until he started falling asleep. I kissed his cheek and said it was time to go to dinner now.
I'm usually much better at boundaries. When a relationship ends, it is over. I don't want to talk, I just want to piece together my self esteem and get on with it. So without much experience in this arena, I can't easily see where this will end.
But now that I can write about it, you'll know when I do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)