Saturday, September 12, 2009
Not Jesus
It has been raining in Mykonos ever since I wrote that last blog entry. People keep telling me how crazy this is. Guys who have been coming here for years never even bother to check the weather because it is always sunny. I just want to clarify for the world and the Gods that I am not Jesus, never was Jesus, and didn't mean offense to any person or deity. Please stop raining.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I Think I Might Not Be Jesus After All
My best friend likes to remind people when they turn 33 that Jesus died when he was 33. I turned 33 on September 8, 2008, and for the whole last year there was at least a minor possibility that "Dad" upstairs might strike me dead and return me home. But yesterday I turned 34. I realize this is not definitive proof that I am not the second coming of Christ, but I thought I might at least consider the arguments For and Against the possibility.
FOR: Jesus had a beard. I have a beard. Granted, mine is more the George Michael type of closely cropped gay man beard, but there is no reason to assume that Jesus would not consider fashion trends when he returned to earth 2000 years later.
AGAINST: Rumor has it that Jesus's mom was a virgin. Mom, I love you and I would never imply that you were not a heavenly saint from birth through my entire life to this point, but, well, I would never believe the virgin bit.
FOR: I am no biblical historian, but I think there is a story in the Bible about Jesus when he was a young boy. His mother Mary lost him at the market, and when she found him, he was teaching a lesson to a group of men. I too have the ability to attract large groups of men in markets. You should see me work a mall.
AGAINST: I also believe that Jesus went to a wedding once and turned the water into wine. If I could perform miracles, I think the last thing on my list would be to get a bunch of straight people drunk. Shouldn't I be saving the kids in Africa or something? Actually, to be honest, the only reason I count this AGAINST is because I have drank many glasses of water wishing it was wine, and my wish never came true.
FOR: When I was a kid I used to think I had special powers. At about the age of 6 and 7, I would make paper airplanes in my babysitter's backyard. I would throw them and try to control their direction with my mind. About 50% of the time I was right, which would make total sense if I was 50% divine.
AGAINST: Jesus raised Leviticus from the dead. I have never raised anyone from the dead. Actually, I have never tried to raise anyone from the dead. Let me get back to you on this one.
Overall, I do think the odds are stacked against me. But there is one detail I have left out. I have been on the Greek islands of Santorini and Mykonos since I turned 34. These islands are about as close as I ever imagined to heaven, so it is possible that I died and went to heaven four days ago. If I make it to work next Tuesday, then I'll know for sure that I am not Jesus after all.
FOR: Jesus had a beard. I have a beard. Granted, mine is more the George Michael type of closely cropped gay man beard, but there is no reason to assume that Jesus would not consider fashion trends when he returned to earth 2000 years later.
AGAINST: Rumor has it that Jesus's mom was a virgin. Mom, I love you and I would never imply that you were not a heavenly saint from birth through my entire life to this point, but, well, I would never believe the virgin bit.
FOR: I am no biblical historian, but I think there is a story in the Bible about Jesus when he was a young boy. His mother Mary lost him at the market, and when she found him, he was teaching a lesson to a group of men. I too have the ability to attract large groups of men in markets. You should see me work a mall.
AGAINST: I also believe that Jesus went to a wedding once and turned the water into wine. If I could perform miracles, I think the last thing on my list would be to get a bunch of straight people drunk. Shouldn't I be saving the kids in Africa or something? Actually, to be honest, the only reason I count this AGAINST is because I have drank many glasses of water wishing it was wine, and my wish never came true.
FOR: When I was a kid I used to think I had special powers. At about the age of 6 and 7, I would make paper airplanes in my babysitter's backyard. I would throw them and try to control their direction with my mind. About 50% of the time I was right, which would make total sense if I was 50% divine.
AGAINST: Jesus raised Leviticus from the dead. I have never raised anyone from the dead. Actually, I have never tried to raise anyone from the dead. Let me get back to you on this one.
Overall, I do think the odds are stacked against me. But there is one detail I have left out. I have been on the Greek islands of Santorini and Mykonos since I turned 34. These islands are about as close as I ever imagined to heaven, so it is possible that I died and went to heaven four days ago. If I make it to work next Tuesday, then I'll know for sure that I am not Jesus after all.
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