Bob the Alien

There's an alien in my house. He's green, and his name is Bob The Alien, and he lives in my dining room, which is actually my living room and bedroom too. He's only 6 inches tall, and not scary at all. He's more of a pet than a threat. (That rhymed. Please note my literary genius.)

He used to live by Mars. Not on it exactly. Apparently there's a trailer park in orbit around Mars and his whole family lived in a beat up double wide when he was a kid. He got his own trailer when he grew up though, which he paid for with the proceeds from his online dildo shop marketed to Mars housewives. He kind of made it big for a while but then the pressure really got to him and he decided he needed to get away. He hopped on the next intergalactic dump truck and ended up here on Earth.

He roamed city to city for a while looking for someplace that felt familiar to call home. When he got to El Cajon something clicked. It was really hot and there were lots of white trash people in spandex and socks and sandals (apparently trailer fashion is the same across the universe). Bob was so happy he tazered the counter girl at Foster's Freeze and got himself an ice cream cone.

He hovered out to El Cajon Boulevard and there, just after he passed Marge the one-legged frizzy-haired scraggly-toothed hooker, he saw me. I was coming out of the post office with my box of 8 CDs for $.01 from Columbia House, and when I looked up from my New Kids CD, I returned his stare. I thought I was having a flashback, but in a blink he was in front of me rubbing his crotch asking if I wanted a date (he learned that from Marge). He put a voodoo alien mind spell on me and hopped in my pocket. I got in my Camaro and started driving home.

When we got home we made sweet love, and I rocked all 6 inches of him (lost him for a minute...oops!). After the mind spell wore off I started freaking out, but he convinced me quickly that he meant no harm. I went and got us some cake from mom's fridge (I was 19 and living back at home). When he told me that he only wanted the cake and not the icing, I knew he was the yin to my yang. I only ever eat the icing. I wasn't gonna put him in my butt again, but I had a new best friend.

He took me on field trips a lot. He made me get dressed up in furry bright-colored clothes and big tall shoes and took me to parties with loud music and lots of lights. There were lots of kids around who had their own aliens too. People sucked pacifiers and hugged a lot. Bob said it was better than anything on or around Mars, and I thought it was better than anything on or around Earth. We bonded.

A lot of people never noticed Bob, but Bob didn't mind. Umecke and Rowena and Vince hung out with Bob all the time, and besides he was a 6-inch alien and he understood that not everyone could relate. I think he might be 400 years old too, so really he's at peace with life.

When I graduated college, I moved to San Francisco and started a new part of my life. I dabbled in the leather scene, but it was too much for Bob. What a baby. Aliens are total wusses.

Now we live in New York. There's not much more to say, except that Bob's smiling face is the first thing I see when I come home everyday. You can't actually see his smile because his mouth is stuck in that crazy circle after the stroke he had last year, but I know its there on the inside. We're tight like that. Crazy Bob.

Give everyone a hug Bob.

Aww, that's sweet.