Salads and Douches

Tonight I had dinner at Firewood with Rob and Chris. Over carb-free low-fat high-protein salad, we had one of those quintessential gay conversations that makes me so proud to be a big ol' 'mo.

We started innocently enough with a recap of gay pride and 4th of July weekend. Rob still had rug burns on his knees, but aside from that the stories were harmless. However, there was just enough boy content though that we transitioned into dating history. And that was where the good stuff started:

1. Versatile my ass

As we went through our dating history it became clear that we all had similar experience with versatile guys. Mainly that they don't exist. In San Francisco of course, most guys live on their stomach in the bedroom, though Chris and I had also experienced the opposite: the chronic top. There might be guys who really don't like to get it up the butt, and that's fine. But the real annoying ones are the guys who call themselves a top because they're just too lazy to clean their ass. Which brought us to topic number 2...

2. Douching

Rob apparently learned the art of gay cleanliness when he was just about 19. I didn't learn until I was 24. I guess until that point I thought it was a game of luck. But one night early in my San Francisco party boy career I went home with a British couple who were staying in a cute historic hotel in Nob Hill. They invited me to use the special shower attachment they had brought with them all the way from London. When I saw it I actually didn't get it, but after a brief explanation and 15 minutes of experimenting, I became a convert. By the next month I had one in my own shower, and today, if you look hard enough, you will find 4 different varieties in my house. As I said to Rob and Chris, I really am a fantastic bottom, and preparation is worth as much as the actual event. Chris, however, was the youngest guy at the table, and said he just saw his first one recently. He has yet to take one for a test run. I hope he at least has fiber on his side...

3. Narcissism

I can't actually remember the transition to narcissism. I just remember Rob asking me if I had ever masturbated looking at pictures of myself. Actually, he asked in a way that assumed I had. "You have jacked off to your own pictures, right?" Ummm, no. I can't believe that never occurred to me. Geez, have I been rejecting myself all these years? How horrible. Anyway, Rob and Chris really had a field day on this topic. It turns out that they both made videos of themselves with their parents' video cameras when they were young so that they could then masturbate to themselves later. Chris was only 15, which is terribly young. Rob was 19 (that was a busy year for him), but his story was definitely the most impressive one. He crawled on top of his washer in his parents' kitchen and had sexual relations with a can of fake tan. "Not the end with the cap," he assured me. "That would be unsafe." Don't ask me how the hell he got the blunt end in. I didn't ask. Even I think every story should end somewhere.