I got my sexy back, but I think its broken

Last week an "emerging" photographer took pictures of me for a series he is shooting of male torsos and antique tzotchkes; an old mini horn, a set of antique keys, a small vase. When we made it through his collection of old things, he said I could pose however I wanted and he would shoot me. So of course I threw my clothes off and went to town. It was a very erotic experience. On the way out, when I was fully dressed, I grabbed his crotch and kissed him goodbye. He said he wanted to shoot me again this weekend.

For the past nine weeks my sex drive was gone. I wasn't just busy. It was noticeably gone. In therapy I reconfirmed it every week. I went to my doctor and had my testosterone checked. It was strange. Just gone.

But in this last week the anticipation of the photo shoot woke me up inside again. It was subtle. It was like the last half hour of sleep when you wake up on vacation. I barely noticed I was awake until he showed up.

Today he wanted to shoot a butch boy theme. I wore full leather gear on a bed of blue fur holding a teddy bear. I asked him in the beginning if he would do the shoot naked. I told him that it would make me less self conscious and help me create the sexy mood. And yes, in the end, I slept with him.

But now that I'm awake again, I remember what it feels like, and I remember that its as disconcerting as being asleep. Tonight I went to the opening of a new gay night at a fabulous lounge. I met beautiful boys who flirted with me. And then I went home alone. As I walked home I felt the unfulfilled desire that is so much a part of being sexually awake. It was loneliness, but in a subtle form. It was under my skin, behind my eyes, at the root of every hair, and it itched, not hurt, but itched and I couldn't scratch it. I can never scratch it. And I thought about how I try to get rid of it by talking to friends, but I find that they usually itch too, and no one can get rid of it for long but they try with alcohol or substances or random sex or keeping themselves busy. And that works for a minute. But then its back. Except for when I'm in love.

As I write this, I realize how thankful I am to be awake again. Sometimes its uncomfortable, but it makes me feel alive. It allows me to connect to men, and helps me take risks. And I think that I have to feel like this to get excited about loving someone again. So I am thankful. Good morning to me.