I am a Lesbian: Part 2

Feelings man. Seriously, that's what its all about. Feelings.

Today was Saturday of Gay Pride in San Francisco: the dyke rally at Dolores Park. I met my girls there at about 4:30pm. They had already been there for a couple hours and got the party started, but I turned it up a notch with a bottle of vodka and stories about my extreme gayness the night before. The girls ate it up. I love my girls. It was 7 of them, me, and a straight guy who was so fucked up that he barely counts.

I had actually started the day in an even more lesbionic way (lesbionic is my favorite new adjective). I woke up with the gorgeous man I'm dating, and after sex we had a good heart to heart talk. It was very sweet.

It is so interesting to be in this position at the beginning of a relationship at my age. I remember how scary it used to be, but its not anymore. I can see the steps, and how they will progress, and it just feels like an optimistic comfort. LOVER asked me this morning if I was scared at all, and I could honestly say no. I already know that he is a good person, so our best case is fantastic and our worst case is that we just aren't the right people for each other. Its so nice to know that.

Unfortunately, the poor guy I'm dating has never really been in a good relationship, so his fear of vulnerability is really getting to him. So this morning we talked. I let him know how normal it was for him to feel the way he is feeling, and I told him how I was feeling the same way when I first met Scott. Fortunately for me though, I was seeing a therapist when I started dating Scott, and she helped me quell those inner voices that can drive a man mad when he starts becoming vulnerable. I reassured my new man this morning, but also let him know that I could never give him all the assurance he needed, because most of it had to come from within him. It is so interesting to be in this position.

Scott, I know you read this, and I know you'll agree that when you and I started dating it was magically easy. Everything just worked and fit into place. I remember Umecke visiting me in Sydney 3 weeks after we started dating and it felt like we had been together forever already. Neither of us was needy or uncomfortable or full of unrealistic expectations. And for the most part, that is how it feels with my Lover. Easy. Comfortable. This must be the benefit of getting older (that old people always refer to.... thank God I found it).

Well, when I came home from the Dyke March tonight, poor Umecke said that she was at her wits end because every girl had cried for one reason or another. But not me. I was the happiest mother fucker in all the land today. So hallelujah! I can save my balls another day.

Happy Gay Pride everyone. And a special kiss to my girls who like girls. XXX

As if STD tests aren't awkward enough

Yesterday when I walked into Gold's Gym I stopped and asked the guy at the front if he had seen the guy I'm dating, who is a trainer there. Let's call the guy I'm dating James. For once I'm actually going to keep someone's name private for a while because I kind of like him and I don't want to freak him out for, among other things, blogging his life away. So anyway, I ask Tim where James is, and he points to a corner with a table set up where a bunch of people are getting blood tests.

One of the benefits of going to one of the gayest gyms in the world is that gay services come to us. We can buy tickets to dance clubs, get invites to the glam parties, and even get our STD screening done when local non-profits come for a visit, all within the confines of our overly-mirrored-so-I-can-check-out-everyone-and-my-own-ass-too walls. One of the drawbacks of this arrangement, however, is that you might walk into your gym to find the guy you're sleeping with getting an STD screen.

Now don't get me wrong, I know that James was being responsible and yes I of course want him to get screened. We just met a little over a month ago and have no agreements around who we can and can't have sex with, so he might be screwing all of the Castro and some of Hayes and Noe Valley for all I know, and that is fine. But I'm not, and this wasn't how I wanted the conversation to go:

Me: "Thank God you're getting tested you big whore." (grinning)

James: "Everyone should do their part." (with a smile)

Me: "Well its good, because I don't have insurance yet and this test can count for both of us." (kind of kidding, kind of not)

James: "How do you mean? You should get tested too." (kind of serious)

Me: "I haven't had sex with anyone else since I met you, so whatever I have, you have." (nervously laughing)

James: "Oh, I guess I can't blame you then." (nervously laughing back)

Uncomfortable laughter. Umm, awkward.


My theory is that when you first start dating someone, its probably best not to discuss your sex life outside each other at all. If you ARE having sex with other people, then you might make Potential BF feel unspecial. If you ARE NOT having sex with other people, then you might make Potential BF feel uncomfortable that he is, or nervous that you are moving too quickly. The only positive scenario is if you both happen to disclose that you have not been sleeping with other people, but gay guys shouldn't hold their breath for that one.

I don't see anything changing for the foreseeable future. Its way too early to talk about not sleeping with other people, and yet I probably won't because James is hitting my kitty like a rock star and I am settling into a new job and apartment and life. I just don't want to talk about it again, which means that I should avoid folding tables at the gym, and that my fingers and toes are crossed in hopes that his tests come back negative.

It is time for me to come out. My name is Tony, and I am a lesbian.

This has been my last week as a free man before starting my new job next week, and I chose to fill my time by watching a marathon of L Word, Season 5. Man, I love that show. If you had never seen it you would probably think it was about the Butches and Femmes having barbecues and drinking beer and talking shop, but it is actually about a group of Super Femme tall model-looking lovelies having tons of sex and drama. The writing is fabulous. This morning, as I watched the affair between Bette and Tina explode and Bette's girlfriend Jodi ran off crying to her tent (they were camping), I started sobbing on the couch. That was when I realized that, by gosh, I had officially lost my balls and was the proud new owner of a big shiny vagina.

After my little crying session I started thinking about the similarities between me and my lesbian sisters (not really my sister, she's definitely a fan of the penis... runs in the family...). Here are some of the things I came up with:

• short hair
• overanalyzing relationships
• staying in touch with ex's
• lots of crying
• lots of sex
• I'm a big girl

Then, I had an experience with a guy today that made me realize how I am most like a lesbian. There are times in my life when I don't really feel like sleeping with men unless there is at least the potential of dating them. Of course, there are slutty any-man-will-do times as well, but right now I'm experiencing the former, and that is very lesbionic.

In the last few weeks there has been a burning hot guy staring me down at Gold's Gym in the Castro. We ran into each other in the shower one day, and he made a point of making himself very viewable for me. Oh, he was hot. We have smiled at each other every day since then, until this Wednesday we happened to meet on the corner of Castro and Market and we introduced ourselves. It was a quick conversation, and then we went our separate ways. Later that afternoon at the gym, he came up to me and said, "I can't stop undressing you with my eyes." I said, "I already saw you naked so you're already undressed to me." He said, "I have to say... I'm in a great open relationship, but if you would ever like to Get Together, I'd love to hang out." I said, "It fucking figures you would have a boyfriend. How about coffee instead?"

So we met for coffee this morning. I was very smart to have picked a public place to meet, because from our hug hello it was clear that the sexual tension between us was palpable. We sat for a while and then went for a walk, first to Duboce Park and then to Dolores Park. At Dolores Park we laid on the grass, and an arm graze turned into an arm rub which turned into a belly rub. Before long his penis was hard enough to be poking out of the top of his pants.

Most men I know would at this point have given up their stupid morality around sleeping with guys in relationships. He was allowed to sleep around for heavens sake, and his boyfriend even knew he was out with me. In fact, even the younger me from five years ago in San Francisco would have found a way to get that man naked immediately, but instead, I said, "You're killing me. Put that thing away. Let's go get lunch." And so we did.

Now on the bright side, I have been having fantastic sex with another guy that I have been dating for a month, so it is possible that this helps explain my ability to let it go. But really, I chose to not have sex with a hot hot man today, and that makes me wonder, "Where o where have my little balls gone? Where, o where could they be?"

But I don't mind. The lesbionic path seems to make more sense for me these days. I guess I'm just going to have to come out as a lesbian though, trapped in the body of a man who likes men. Fuck, that's queer.