Dead People

I know a lot of dead people.

The first to go was Louise, a.k.a. Grandma Nana to my sister and I. She was actually my sister's godmother, but when we were little we didn't understand the difference between Grandmother and Godmother. Anyway, when she died I remember feeling guilty for not crying. Though she was our babysitter for years when we were really young, I hadn't seen her in years when she died. Maybe it was God's way of showing me death in baby steps.

Then there was Jason. He was the first boy I went head over heels for. I was 19. He left me for his ex who used to beat him, and I remember going to Rowena's house and crying like crazy. Two years later he hung himself.

Speaking of Rowena... if Grandma Nana was a baby step, Rowena was a giant leap. She was my and Umecke's best friend, though she was more part of my daily life because Umecke was living in SF. I was with Rowena the night she disappeared from a gas station in LA. Ten days later, which happened to be the day of my college graduation ceremony, her body was found around the block from where she disappeared. I'll make that a chapter in my book someday.

Then there was Angela. Angela and Rowena had been best friends growing up, and Angela and I had got married in Vegas when we were 19. Then we dropped acid and roamed the strip until the sun came up. It was a different era for me. Anyway, four years later, her boyfriend drove their car off the Autobahn in Germany at 100mph into a tree.

Grandma was next. I don't have any catchy story about Grandma. She was pure love and light.

Grandpa followed a few years later. He and my mother are the people who made me successful. Mom made me feel like I could do anything, but Grandpa was more assertive. He made me feel like I would do something important. His confidence in me was unwavering.

This summer there was Lenny. When I was 26/27 I dated Lenny for close to a year, and in that time he taught me why I was worth loving. I don't think I've every loved anyone quite the way I loved him. He was the closest man to me ever. He had a heart attack in his sleep this summer.

Two more acquaintances/friends killed themselves in the last few months. One hung himself when his lover of about 15 years left him for another man. The other lost a lifelong battle with depression.

I used to be unable to think about death. The overwhelming finality took my breath away. But now I can think about it. Now I don't feel so alone when I go to bed at night. Now when I find the time to pray before I go to sleep, I always say good night to my long list of angels.