When you're not gonna die you're having a good day

Saturday was a beautiful warm day in San Francisco, and at 1pm I left the house thinking I might walk down to a local park and sit in the sun for a while. Just after I left my house, I met my friend Brad on the street. I asked if he wanted to join me, and he said sure, he just wanted to buy a sandwich first.

It took him a while to get his sandwich. While I waited I stood outside, and I felt the creeping tingle of my demon, Loneliness, sitting with me. It has been a constant through most of my life, despite the great people I know and love, against all reason, it is just there. Half an hour earlier I was trying to escape it, and it made me want to be outside, around people. That is why I decided to go to the park. Now I had a buddy to join me. I was very thankful that I ran into Brad.

When Brad got his sandwich we started walking to the park. He said that he had a great time hanging out with me at Lazy Bear. "What?" I said. "You were at Lazy Bear?"

He said, "Wow, I didn't realize you were that drunk."

I guess I had been. "Were you drunk?" I asked.

"No way, not anymore," he replied. "I can't drink at all anymore. My doctor told me the other day that my liver is shot."

Though Brad said it with a laugh, he wasn't kidding. Brad has both HIV and Hepatitis C. Unfortunately, when he got Hep C a couple years ago, he didn't realize it, and kept drinking like normal. Hep C affects the liver, and his normal drinking on top of the disease caused his liver to stay swollen for over six months. That trauma in combination with his HIV means that his liver will probably fail soon. He asked his doctor recently when he thought his liver would fail, and the doctor said he probably had a year left. There are so many people waiting for a liver transplant that he can't even get on the list until he goes into liver failure. By that point survival will be a crap shoot. He might live; he might die.

"Let me know if you see anyone selling livers out of their trunk in the Mission," he joked.

Brad made jokes through our whole conversation. Last year he thought he would live a normal life, and this year he knows he might be living his last. And Brad is not sad. Brad is the same guy who was so hilarious when we became friends 8 years ago that I took him to parties with me all the time and had him follow me around like my sidekick. Brad laughs about everything, and that day he talked about his own mortality with an optimism and ease that made me admire him in a way I have never admired anyone before. It made me want to hold him, and it made me want to laugh with him. Most of all, it made me realize that I wasn't having such a bad day after all.

Its easy to get bogged down in your own head, focusing on little things that bug you or bring you down. But seriously folks, remember, if you're not gonna die, you're having a good day.

Lots of love to my friends and family. It has been a pleasure having you in my life another day.