Friends with Benefits (though a risk/benefit assessment might not hurt)

I haven't written in over a month now because I have been dating a boy named Daniel. He subscribed to my blog just before my last post, and I wasn't sure how to stay objective when I wrote when I knew he would read it. And then he dumped me last Tuesday. Problem solved. Now I can talk about him all I want. Ha! Daniel Daniel Daniel.

I could talk about why Daniel and I worked, but that would be boring now that we have stopped seeing each other. So I'll just skip right to the breakup. Two weekends ago we went to Lazy Bear, which is a big American circuit party for Bears. In case you're not familiar, Bears are a subsect of the gay community that consists of large furry manly men. We went with some friends of mine, and while I had intended to stay mostly sober for Daniel, I started getting very jealous of my friends who were partying, and on Sunday my willpower cracked. I asked Daniel if I could partake in some artificial happiness, and he said yes. From what I remember the rest of the afternoon consisted of flirting, talking, and general merriment.

It wasn't so merry for Daniel though. He is basically sober, and seeing me in my special place was uncomfortable for him. So last Tuesday, after much consideration, he told me that it didn't make sense for him to grow fonder of me when he knew that my partying would always bother him. He cried. I left.

I can't believe I was dumped for partying while I was deep in my hangover. Oh, the irony.

We didn't talk for a couple days, but we see each other at the gym every night, so talking was inevitable. On Friday he came up to say hi. There was awkward chit chat, and then some small sequence of events led to us making out in the locker room. It was good too; right in the entrance so that everyone walking in and out got a good show of two guys in a tongue fight. Then I just said goodbye.

Today he texted me saying that I was on his mind and asking if I wanted to have dinner. When I got to his house I went to his room. I wasn't sure what conversation was about to follow and I didn't want to get caught off guard in a restaurant. He said that he just wanted to hang out and suggested we go out as friends.

Ok, that's fine and all. But I told him that I was dying to have sex with him. Can't friends have sex? I didn't wait for an answer. I put my hand on his leg. Another small sequence of events led to me riding the bucking bronco and then collapsing on his chest. We laid there in silence until he started falling asleep. I kissed his cheek and said it was time to go to dinner now.

I'm usually much better at boundaries. When a relationship ends, it is over. I don't want to talk, I just want to piece together my self esteem and get on with it. So without much experience in this arena, I can't easily see where this will end.

But now that I can write about it, you'll know when I do.