Last July one of the most important people in my life died suddenly of a heart attack in his sleep. I cried the day that I found out, and I haven't been able to cry again. I feel like its weighing down on top of me, and I don't know how to let it out. I miss him most when I go through tough times and need affection from a man. I miss him a lot right now.
Lenny would tell you that we met at a party during Folsom weekend in San Francisco in September 2001, but I only have the vaguest recollection of him from that night. The night I remember was December 15, 2001, at the Powerhouse in San Francisco. I introduced myself to him and his friends, and there was heat between us immediately. We went dancing after that, and then he invited me back to his hotel... the Best Western on 9th Street in SOMA.
When we got there we got naked, and he laid me down on the bed. He kissed me softly, and then asked me if I minded being tied up. I said no. He bound my hands and feet and secured me to the bed. He then teased me for what I believe to be about an hour. Feathers, leather, candles, more rope, but absolutely no sex. The stimulation and exhaustion eventually sent me to sleep. When I woke up hours had passed, Lenny was kissing my chest, and I was still bound. I begged for sex, but he said no. He said that he thought if we had sex I would never call him, and he wanted to see me again. He went home to Santa Barbara that afternoon. I called him that evening.
Over the next month Lenny and I talked every night. I learned that he was 39 (I was 26), had a husband of ten years, Wayland, and that they had an open relationship. Wayland knew all about me, and was looking forward to meeting me. We decided that I would visit them the third weekend in January 2002.
My memory of that trip is fragmented. I remember Lenny giving me the best massage of my life. I remember that we didn't have sex, despite wanting to. I remember that I slept in Lenny and Wayland's bed, with Lenny in the middle, and that Lenny held me when I slept. I knew that there was a serious connection between Lenny and I, and that Wayland recognized it and was very sweet to me even there was no attraction between he and I. I remember feeling safe, and confused. The part I remember the most is sitting on the porch with Lenny as I was getting ready to leave. He told me that he was very happy that I came to visit, that he felt that not having sex yet was the right thing to do, and that he was going to come up to San Francisco to see me in February. I knew that it was complicated, but I trusted him so much even then, so I agreed.
He visited me in both February and March. In February we had sex for the first time, and it was great. Then in March, when he was holding me in bed one afternoon, it occurred to me that I loved him. It was one of the best and scariest moments of my life. Let me explain...
At the time Lenny and I met, I had not really dated anyone in over five years. My lack of intimacy was the result of an intense fear and self doubt probably caused by several things, but I think there was one major catalyst. I had two best friends that changed my life, and one of them, Rowena, died when I was 22. I went into a depression that lasted almost exactly two years, and which resulted in an intense fear of being vulnerable again. After that, I emotionally retreated and didn't allow anyone inside. Every time I dated someone in the following years, I pulled away as soon as I started feeling like I cared. The cycle left me feeling very lonely.
But when I met Lenny it seemed like he recognized my fear, and he made a series of carefully selected steps to show me that he could be trusted. I think he waited to sleep with me because he wanted me to know that he valued me as a person. No matter what I said, Lenny accepted me. And by that third month, I felt like I could be more of myself with him than I had been with any man before. So on that day in March, when I realized that I loved him, I cried. I cried quite a bit, because for several years I hadn't felt loveable, and I hadn't thought that I would let myself love someone again. And as Lenny held me through those tears, he changed the way that I felt about myself and my future. This may sound cheesy, but I think Lenny allowed me to love again.
I saw Lenny most weekends through that summer. I traveled a lot for work, and Lenny met me in Miami one weekend and in Washington DC on another. He visited me in San Francisco, and I visited him in Santa Barbara. I got closer to Wayland, and he and I started calling each other "Brothers". Still, when the three of us we were together, we all slept in one bed, with Lenny in the middle. And still, Lenny held me while we slept.
As the summer turned to fall, I became so deeply in love with him that I couldn't bear leaving him during the week. We started talking about me moving down to Santa Barbara. But working out the details started getting tricky. Wayland wasn't sure he wanted me to live in the house, and I didn't want to move to Santa Barbara just to live alone. Things became tense.
Lenny came to visit me on October 12, 2002. We tried to figure out how to work out our situation, but we realized together that there just was no solution that would meet his, my, and Wayland's needs. We decided that it had to end, and he left for good. I cried for two weeks. Even looking back now I'm horrified at how much it hurt.
Five months later I decided to move to Sydney, and just before I was leaving Lenny called one day to say he was in town and wanted to have lunch. We met, and when I told him I was leaving, he asked if he could go out with me on the night of my going away party. That was the night we became friends.
In Sydney I dated a couple guys, and then met Scott, who was clearly my most functional relationship so far this lifetime. I don't think it ever would have been possible without having loved Lenny first. And when I needed to talk about how to relate to Scott or the guys before him, I started calling Lenny first. He became my closest male friend. He still called me Baby Boy. He still made me feel utterly and completely loved.
Scott and I visited Lenny and Wayland once in Santa Barbara, and then they came to New York to visit us after Scott and I moved there. Despite talking to Lenny every week or so in those years, that trip to New York was the last time I saw him.
In his last few months, Lenny was going through a rough time. He had always had a hard time sleeping and didn't have the healthy fear of pills that most of us have. One night last summer, Lenny couldn't sleep and took 9 pain killers over the course of the night. The last one was too much. Wayland got up to take a shower that morning, and he said that while he was in the shower he suddenly got the horrible feeling that something was wrong with Lenny. He ran into the bedroom and found Lenny turning blue. He threw Lenny on the ground and started giving him CPR. Lenny woke up for a minute and grabbed Wayland's hand. Wayland told him to hold on and keep breathing, and ran to call 911. When he came back Lenny was blue again, and again Wayland revived him. In approximately 90 seconds an emergency team rushed into the house and started trying to resuscitate Lenny. But Lenny stopped responding. They put him in the ambulance and rushed him to the hospital, but he was dead before he arrived.
Lenny didn't have a funeral. What he wanted was for his friends and loved ones to each make separate trips to visit Wayland and spend time with him. So that is what I did. I spent a night with Wayland in August. I had never slept anywhere in the house except for their bed, so at bedtime Wayland told me to get in bed. I laid down in the spot where Lenny had his heart attack. It felt horrible. I didn't sleep well that night. It didn't help that Wayland woke up once screaming from a nightmare. And when he saw someone laying in Lenny's spot he jumped. I love Wayland very much, but I left as soon as I woke up in the morning. It still didn't feel like closure, so let me say goodbye again here.
Lenny,
I still love you still than I can say. You gave out such an amazing light and energy, and I still feel it when I think of you. You were one of the kindest, most loving people I have ever known, and I thank you so much for believing in me, and loving me, and showing me how much I could love someone else. You made me a better person.
I hope you are with me when I think you are. And I hope I still make you proud.
Take care of Wayland, because I know he needs you. And when you can, please take care of me too, because sometimes I feel a little lost without you.
Bye Dad. See you in my dreams.
Love,
BBB
Lenny would tell you that we met at a party during Folsom weekend in San Francisco in September 2001, but I only have the vaguest recollection of him from that night. The night I remember was December 15, 2001, at the Powerhouse in San Francisco. I introduced myself to him and his friends, and there was heat between us immediately. We went dancing after that, and then he invited me back to his hotel... the Best Western on 9th Street in SOMA.
When we got there we got naked, and he laid me down on the bed. He kissed me softly, and then asked me if I minded being tied up. I said no. He bound my hands and feet and secured me to the bed. He then teased me for what I believe to be about an hour. Feathers, leather, candles, more rope, but absolutely no sex. The stimulation and exhaustion eventually sent me to sleep. When I woke up hours had passed, Lenny was kissing my chest, and I was still bound. I begged for sex, but he said no. He said that he thought if we had sex I would never call him, and he wanted to see me again. He went home to Santa Barbara that afternoon. I called him that evening.
Over the next month Lenny and I talked every night. I learned that he was 39 (I was 26), had a husband of ten years, Wayland, and that they had an open relationship. Wayland knew all about me, and was looking forward to meeting me. We decided that I would visit them the third weekend in January 2002.
My memory of that trip is fragmented. I remember Lenny giving me the best massage of my life. I remember that we didn't have sex, despite wanting to. I remember that I slept in Lenny and Wayland's bed, with Lenny in the middle, and that Lenny held me when I slept. I knew that there was a serious connection between Lenny and I, and that Wayland recognized it and was very sweet to me even there was no attraction between he and I. I remember feeling safe, and confused. The part I remember the most is sitting on the porch with Lenny as I was getting ready to leave. He told me that he was very happy that I came to visit, that he felt that not having sex yet was the right thing to do, and that he was going to come up to San Francisco to see me in February. I knew that it was complicated, but I trusted him so much even then, so I agreed.
He visited me in both February and March. In February we had sex for the first time, and it was great. Then in March, when he was holding me in bed one afternoon, it occurred to me that I loved him. It was one of the best and scariest moments of my life. Let me explain...
At the time Lenny and I met, I had not really dated anyone in over five years. My lack of intimacy was the result of an intense fear and self doubt probably caused by several things, but I think there was one major catalyst. I had two best friends that changed my life, and one of them, Rowena, died when I was 22. I went into a depression that lasted almost exactly two years, and which resulted in an intense fear of being vulnerable again. After that, I emotionally retreated and didn't allow anyone inside. Every time I dated someone in the following years, I pulled away as soon as I started feeling like I cared. The cycle left me feeling very lonely.
But when I met Lenny it seemed like he recognized my fear, and he made a series of carefully selected steps to show me that he could be trusted. I think he waited to sleep with me because he wanted me to know that he valued me as a person. No matter what I said, Lenny accepted me. And by that third month, I felt like I could be more of myself with him than I had been with any man before. So on that day in March, when I realized that I loved him, I cried. I cried quite a bit, because for several years I hadn't felt loveable, and I hadn't thought that I would let myself love someone again. And as Lenny held me through those tears, he changed the way that I felt about myself and my future. This may sound cheesy, but I think Lenny allowed me to love again.
I saw Lenny most weekends through that summer. I traveled a lot for work, and Lenny met me in Miami one weekend and in Washington DC on another. He visited me in San Francisco, and I visited him in Santa Barbara. I got closer to Wayland, and he and I started calling each other "Brothers". Still, when the three of us we were together, we all slept in one bed, with Lenny in the middle. And still, Lenny held me while we slept.
As the summer turned to fall, I became so deeply in love with him that I couldn't bear leaving him during the week. We started talking about me moving down to Santa Barbara. But working out the details started getting tricky. Wayland wasn't sure he wanted me to live in the house, and I didn't want to move to Santa Barbara just to live alone. Things became tense.
Lenny came to visit me on October 12, 2002. We tried to figure out how to work out our situation, but we realized together that there just was no solution that would meet his, my, and Wayland's needs. We decided that it had to end, and he left for good. I cried for two weeks. Even looking back now I'm horrified at how much it hurt.
Five months later I decided to move to Sydney, and just before I was leaving Lenny called one day to say he was in town and wanted to have lunch. We met, and when I told him I was leaving, he asked if he could go out with me on the night of my going away party. That was the night we became friends.
In Sydney I dated a couple guys, and then met Scott, who was clearly my most functional relationship so far this lifetime. I don't think it ever would have been possible without having loved Lenny first. And when I needed to talk about how to relate to Scott or the guys before him, I started calling Lenny first. He became my closest male friend. He still called me Baby Boy. He still made me feel utterly and completely loved.
Scott and I visited Lenny and Wayland once in Santa Barbara, and then they came to New York to visit us after Scott and I moved there. Despite talking to Lenny every week or so in those years, that trip to New York was the last time I saw him.
In his last few months, Lenny was going through a rough time. He had always had a hard time sleeping and didn't have the healthy fear of pills that most of us have. One night last summer, Lenny couldn't sleep and took 9 pain killers over the course of the night. The last one was too much. Wayland got up to take a shower that morning, and he said that while he was in the shower he suddenly got the horrible feeling that something was wrong with Lenny. He ran into the bedroom and found Lenny turning blue. He threw Lenny on the ground and started giving him CPR. Lenny woke up for a minute and grabbed Wayland's hand. Wayland told him to hold on and keep breathing, and ran to call 911. When he came back Lenny was blue again, and again Wayland revived him. In approximately 90 seconds an emergency team rushed into the house and started trying to resuscitate Lenny. But Lenny stopped responding. They put him in the ambulance and rushed him to the hospital, but he was dead before he arrived.
Lenny didn't have a funeral. What he wanted was for his friends and loved ones to each make separate trips to visit Wayland and spend time with him. So that is what I did. I spent a night with Wayland in August. I had never slept anywhere in the house except for their bed, so at bedtime Wayland told me to get in bed. I laid down in the spot where Lenny had his heart attack. It felt horrible. I didn't sleep well that night. It didn't help that Wayland woke up once screaming from a nightmare. And when he saw someone laying in Lenny's spot he jumped. I love Wayland very much, but I left as soon as I woke up in the morning. It still didn't feel like closure, so let me say goodbye again here.
Lenny,
I still love you still than I can say. You gave out such an amazing light and energy, and I still feel it when I think of you. You were one of the kindest, most loving people I have ever known, and I thank you so much for believing in me, and loving me, and showing me how much I could love someone else. You made me a better person.
I hope you are with me when I think you are. And I hope I still make you proud.
Take care of Wayland, because I know he needs you. And when you can, please take care of me too, because sometimes I feel a little lost without you.
Bye Dad. See you in my dreams.
Love,
BBB
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