If you bring up Sex and the City with any fag in the free world, they will ask you one question: "Which girl are you?" I have had the conversation a thousand times, and I usually say a cross of Carrie and Samantha. But tonight, when I saw the new movie, I saw myself in Carrie and Charlotte.
The way I have always thought that I related to Carrie was my uncanny ability to analyze a relationship in the most minute detail. As I watched the movie tonight though, I realized how self-oriented our analysis can be. Why did he say that to me? Why did he do that to me? How does he really feel about ME?
With Charlotte, I really just related tonight to one scene. She said, "I have never been so happy, and it makes me terrified. No one gets everything they want."
Tonight the hurt kid inside me related to them, and I realized that the hurt kid inside me has more of a voice than I want him to have. It is the part of me that is terrified of being abandoned, and tells me that I will be hurt again. It is the scared voice in my head that makes becoming vulnerable to someone as terrible as it is wonderful. It is a part of me that I see in people all around me, and we all hate it. We all fight it. Like it or not, many of us share this demon. The demon fills our heads with thoughts we don't want to hear, and prevents us from (as Carla would say) just enjoying the present.
Sometimes I wonder if these runaway thoughts ruined my relationship with Scott. There were several times in our relationship where I, like Carrie, played the victim. Scott hurt me a few times, and I would have such a strong reaction. But I don't want to be a victim anymore. All it got me with Scott was a broken heart and a broken boyfriend. Do I have the strength to own my share of the responsibility, even when I hurt? Even when I'm broken? Do I have the balls to include in my neat little summary of how our relationship played out that I could have been better to him too? God, I want to say yes, but even as I say it I just don't know.
But actually, I have to say, this is all probably balanced out by a different way that I relate to Charlotte. I have always been a believer in love, true love, and unlike the rest of the girls, Charlotte and I know that we are good in a relationship. We know that we can be a good partner, a good listenter, a friend, and a damn good lover (or is that just me?). Lenny taught me I was worth loving, Scott made me believe that I can actually pull off a relationship when I find the right guy. I guess Carrie was never so lucky, so she talks herself out of every good thing that happens to her. Then what she gets is a life of ALMOST finding Happily Ever After.
But no, I'm not Carrie. I might drive myself a little crazy in the process, but I'm not settling for ALMOST.
So I guess I'm just missing one thing. Mr. Big, where can you be?
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