How to Have Fun on a Floating Middle American Suburb

I had pretty low expectations for the cruise that I am on right now in the Mexican Riviera. Unfortunately, even those expectations were not met. We were told the average age is the 30s, but didn't realize that they calculate it by averaging the ages of the senior citizens and screaming kids. There is no one in the gym, but the line for hot fudge sundaes is 100 people deep. The hairy chest contest had 5 contestants who were all over 50 and twice their ideal body weight. The tours are actually sales pitches to get you to buy the endless crap they have on board for Middle America to waste their money on. The disco plays wedding music, and even the newlyweds look bored.

However, my friends have really taught me in the last few days that we can have fun just about anywhere. Should you ever find yourself on a crappy cruise, here are some steps you can take to spice things up:

1. Be the only person in a speedo. Its the best way to get guys on a straight cruise to stare at your crotch.
2. Sit in a crowded restaurant at lunch and make each person at the table share their hottest sexual experience. Make sure you have one person at the table who loudly repeats each story so that the nearby lunch-goers blush and/or stare angrily at the person who mentioned water sports.
3. In line for dinner on the Elegant evening, shout out in line that you’re addicted to cock. Then ask each of your friends and a couple strangers if they are addicted to cock too. Then reach back and put your hand on your ex-boyfriend’s cock, and keep it there until he says, “Why is your hand on my cock?” Then take a look around and see how many people are aghast at the number of times they just heard the word “cock” uttered in a 60-second period.
4. Find the only single straight guy on the boat. Have him meet you at dinner, and then let your friends all flirt with him too so that he feels like a star. Then invite him back to your room and somehow talk him into putting on a show for everyone, including oral sex with yourself and one friend, while a third friend watches and drinks his cocktail, thinking about how hilarious this will be in his blog.
5. Later at the comedy show, put the single straight man between you and your other friend who blew him earlier in the hotel room. Pull his penis out during the comedy show and play with it from the left, while your other friend plays with it on the right. Then casually sit on his lap, pull your dress up, and rub his penis around your ass. When you are pretty sure that everyone within 10 feet knows what’s going on, send him back to his room with your friend. An hour later, call and tell your friend to leave, and go take over.
6. Invite a girl who is dining alone to join you and your friends at dinner. Get good and drunk and then escort her to a show later. Keep drinking. Wake up in her room eight hours later and wonder if you had sex with her or not. Leave immediately so as to avoid an awkward conversation.

This is all we have come up with so far, but we’ve only been gone for two days. If we can think of any other ways to make a good time, I’ll let you know.