The Daily Highs and Lows

I am still on a cruise in the Mexican Riviera with five very fun friends. Unfortunately, we appear to be just about the most fun people on the boat, except for maybe the woman in the disco the other night who kept straddling her boyfriend on the couches near the dance floor and then opened her legs and rubbed her hand over her va-jay-jay while he danced in front of her. Yes, except for her, we are the most fun. As Marshall said today, “You are living the straight person’s dream on that cruise, which just happens to be the gay man’s nightmare.” So true.

Dinner has become the best part of the day, because we all get to sit and laugh together over some pretty great food. In the last few days, we have started a new ritual: High/Low. We go around the table and say our high point and low point of the day. I can’t remember which night all of these examples were said, but here are my favorites so far:

Tina started one night when she came back from the bathroom. Umecke said, “Tina, what was your high?” She replied, “The dump I just took in the bathroom.” A roar of laughter erupted. “And your low?” we asked. “Right before I went to the bathroom.”

I asked Umecke what her high was. “Drinking tequila and beers in a video bar in La Paz,” she answered. “And my low was when Carla and Tony came into my room at 3am completely trashed and Carla kept rubbing my orifices like an untrained monkey”.

Kelly said her high was winning $10 in the casino, and her low was losing $20 (again).

John (the straight guy in the group) said that his high was hearing me tell the story of being handcuffed while bent over a balcony railing in San Francisco and watching the sun come up. Then he thought for a minute, laughed, and said that was also his low.

A girl named Christina who we adopted at dinner after finding out that she’s traveling alone said that her high yesterday was meeting a couple who have been married for 24 years, and then realizing when they started dancing together how in love they still are. I can’t remember her low. Who wants a low after that? Long live love!

Andrew, another of our adoptees, said that his high point of the day was swimming in the beautiful water of La Paz, right up until he got stung by a sting-ray, which became his low.
I said that my high was when a man (with a wedding ring on) masturbated for me in the steam room on the ship. Someone finally came on to me! He was, however, about 60, so after smiling in appreciation I kindly got up and left the steam room. My low was the 60 seconds I spent in Senor Frogs in Mazatlan, with spring break party music blaring way too loud and obnoxiously drunk straight 20-somethings doing shots with balloon animals wrapped around their heads. I promptly hopped in a taxi and went back to the boat.

Carla’s high was the night she and I drunkenly snuck into the crew-only section of the boat and found a tip at the front where we did the whole Titanic “I’m the Kind of the World!” bit. She didn’t have a low. Isn’t that adorable?!

The nights are getting painfully boring, but at least I have dinner to look forward to tonight. Our only other hope is that we can find that crazy couple from the disco again and talk them into doing highly inappropriate things for our amusement. I’ll let you know how it goes.