Tony and the Paraplegic Dwarf

Several things are jumbled up in my head right now and causing me what is probably a very normal anxiety. I'm starting a rapid career transition provoked by a lay-off, I'm moving across the country, I'm missing my New York friends already, and I just met a great guy here in New York and I don't know how to balance normal dating behavior with wanting to say overly affectionate things that are surely motivated by the ticking clock I hear in my head every time I talk to him. So I'm going to write about something funny and try to take a load off.

In 2003 I was standing in line for the bathroom at the Starbucks on 18th near Castro in San Francisco. I was at the end of the line, and the only person in front of me was a paraplegic dwarf in a wheelchair.

When the man in the bathroom came out, I reached forward to hold the door open for Dwarfy. As Dwarfy entered, he said, "I'm going to need some help in there. Would you mind coming in with me?"

You can imagine that this caught me off guard. My first instinct was that I sure as hell didn't want to do it alone. I said, "Ok, just let me get my friend outside to help me."

He quickly replied, with an annoyed tone, "I didn't ask your friend to help me. I asked you."

Ok, think quick. Karma is a bitch. One can't just walk away from a paraplegic dwarf in need. "Um, ok," I said, and after we were both inside, I locked the door.

He rolled over next to the toilet and said, "Ok, I'm going to pull my pants down. Then I need you to put your hands under my armpits and lift me to the toilet." He proceeded to pull his pants down while I uncomfortably stared at the floor. "I'm ready," he said.

I leaned down and HOLY CRAP, his penis was huge! Seriously, like 4 inches long and really fat and totally soft. Ok focus. Hands under the armpits. So I lifted him up and as gracefully as possible, and I set him down on the toilet. Once he seemed stable, I started to back up.

"Woah, where are you going!" he yelled. "You have to hold me in place!"

Oh... uh... ok. I bent back down. So imagine now that I'm standing in front of the toilet, bent down with my hands under his pits, with my face hanging very uncomfortably over his crazy third leg. I can't remember what I was thinking about. It was like a dream though. Lots of madness with no real clarity. Until I hear the first explosive fart. That really brought me back into the moment.

So Dwarfy took a shit. I was doing my best to angle my face left or right as far as possible, but movement is really limited when you're holding a dwarf on a toilet. Afterwards I got to hold him with just one hand while he wiped, and then helped him pull his toddler pants back up. I moved his tiny little ass into that wheelchair as fast as possible and got the little man out of there. I remember washing my hands. Oddly, I don't remember having to pee anymore after that.

And that's the story of Tony and the Paraplegic Dwarf.