Giving too much away

This blog, among other things, is a frequent reminder that my understanding of boundaries is different than most people. And because I am well aware that I differ from the norm, I get quite insecure about giving so much of myself away. But the truth is that this really is what comes naturally for me.

My mom is very open and surely the foundation for my behavior came from her. But I think that Umecke and Rowena were responsible for bringing me to my current extreme. They became my best friends when I was 18 and just out of the closet. Just months before we became close, I had been so depressed about being gay that I tried to kill myself, and then these two amazing women came into my life, and they taught me to hide nothing. Better yet, they taught me to be proud of everything. It was the most liberating time in my entire life. With the strength and courage of those women, I took everything out of the shameful place inside myself and put it out for everyone to see.

The first time I became aware that I lived life more openly than most people was in 1998 when Rowena suddenly died. She turned 23 on the day that she disappeared from a gas station at Hollywood and Gower in Los Angeles, and 10 days later her body was found in some bushes around the block. I will explain the full story someday, later. But right now I will say that she was the closest person to me at the time, and after she died, I suprisingly learned a lot about her. With every new piece of information I felt a little heartbroken, because she had known every single thing about me. I couldn't fathom how the person I was closest to had hid severe depression, or a 6-month affair with another friend of ours. I remember the night that I called both my mother and Umecke, and I asked if I knew everything about them. In turn, they assured me that I did not, and that this was no reflection of their love or trust in me. Some people just needed to keep some things private.

Since that time there has been a battle inside me. On one hand it feels so good and honest for me to give it all away. I have done nude modeling. I will talk about my sex life, or my fears, my depression, or my anxiety, with most people. I trust people inherently. When I date, I can't play the game. I tell you when I want to see you. I tell you when I want to kiss you. I tell you that I find you gorgeous. At parties, I say too much. I tell the story of the naked dance party at Burning Man, or the leather/sex party in London, or eating a girlfriend out in front of a room full of people at an after hours party when I was younger.

And then I feel guilty. I see around me that my friends don't have the same elasticity in their boundaries, and it makes me wonder if mine are too far out. What do I do if they are? Can I change? Do I want to?

Let me ask you: why do you hide the things you hide? What would happen if you didn't hide them anymore? Would you feel more free if you were able to give it away? I promise that I'm not asking on the offensive. Your answers might be deservedly different from mine. But I feel like a lot of people never bothered to ask themselves these questions.

I often end my internal argument with a staunch decision to hold my ground. Be true to myself, because anything else will drive me crazy. And from that decision came this blog.

There are times like tonight, when I was out with Connie, Andi and Brad, that my stories push the boundaries. I see an uncomfortable look, and I realize I have gone too far. And again I feel guilty. I wish I had normal boundaries.

And then I come home and write it all down here for everyone to see. So for me, I guess the good just outweighs the guilt.