Deep Discussions in Jock Straps

This last Sunday was Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco, a weekend of bondage and leather and pure twisted fetishism. For us partying gay boys, its climax comes Sunday evening at a party called Real Bad. I went to that party with a group of friends that includes a gorgeous man I will call D who recently transitioned from "friend" to, well, more than a friend. After my friend Todd watched us together late in the night, we began a discussion that has stuck with me for days.

Todd (wearing a jock strap made of neoprene and elastic): When does a guy you're dating become a boyfriend?

Me (wearing a jock strap made completely of leather): I think that he becomes a boyfriend when you both know for sure that you are in love, and you say it to each other. "Boyfriend" implies that you plan to make an attempt at staying together for a while.

Todd: Well, then when do you think a boyfriend becomes a partner?

Me: I guess it would be when you experience a life-changing event as a couple, like moving to a new city or buying a house. I started calling Scott my partner when he moved with me from Sydney to New York.

Todd: Ok, well now that we can get married (...in California...), does that change your answer?

That was a really good question. It occurred to me that, despite our inability to get married, us gays had indeed found a structure for advancing a relationship that made sense to us. But now that we can get married, I guess we stand the same chance as our straight counterparts of making the wreckless decision of marriage before we really have the foundation to support it.

Though the conversation ended there, the question probably remained with me because the status of my relationship with D was called into question so many times that day. We had been together in social situations all weekend by that point, and we received no less than 30 questions about our status. Everyone wanted a label. Because we hadn't anticipated or discussed it, the first one caught me off guard. After an awkward silence, I said, "We just started dating. Ask me next month." D seemed to be ok with that answer. So I gave it another 29 times.

As I rode the bus to work this morning, I told Jason about all the fun I had over the weekend, and about the great time I had with D. He said, "So are you boyfriends yet?" I said, "No, there's no need to put pressure on it with a label." To which he replied, "Spoken like a true commitment-phobe. You might want to explore that." Hmmmm, maybe he has a point???

Though I know that D is not dating anyone else (and I'm clearly not), I am in no hurry to call D my boyfriend. But this does bring up a connundrum that most people probably face when they begin dating someone. When does the label change? You don't want to move too fast, because the label comes with certain expectations that each party needs to be prepared for. However, waiting too long might make one party feel invalidated, or.... oh.... actually I can't think of many reasons why waiting longer is bad. Wow, writing doesn't lead me to answers very often. Oh hallelujah. Ok, good Tony. The answer is wait wait wait.

Nonetheless, Jason made a good point today. I might have developed a little fear of commitment after Scott and Brett. It looks like this post just bought me several weeks before a label change will be in order though, so Therapist, here I come!