Don't Ask, Don't Tell

My friend Dave had sex last weekend with a 23yo guy. It was great, and they spent the rest of the day together. Later in the afternoon, they were watching a tv show and the subject of HIV came up on tv. The 23yo said he would never have sex with someone who was HIV+. Dave, who is HIV+, understandably got a little nervous. He asked if it would be ok as long as it was safe sex. It should be, right? And 23yo said no, that he still wouldn't do it. He said that condoms are never 100% safe, and he just couldn't.

Dilemma.

Again this is such a good reminder of the extremes we face. Here is this 23yo kid, who moved to the big city 7 months ago and is just figuring out how the whole scene works. He thinks he has never known anyone who is HIV+ (even though works out at the gayest gym in NYC, if not the world...God Bless David Barton). Dave, on the other hand, has regular experiences with boys on the completely opposite end of the Innocence Spectrum, like the "Bug Chasers" (guys who purposely have unprotected sex with HIV+ guys because the danger excites them). I have always thought Bug Chasers were an urban legend, but apparently they are real and sleeping with Dave quite frequently. So my friend's perspective, which I think is mirrored by most of the gay community, is that disclosing HIV status is unnecessary if you have safe sex.

I remember the first time I had sex with a guy who was HIV+. (I have no idea who will ever read my blog, but just in case it is a straight co-worker or something, I want you to know that I am not scared of you reading this. If more people talked about this then maybe there would be less of a stigma for people with HIV.) I was also 23 actually. He was older, probably 40, but we just hit it off. We went on several dates, and he was such a nice guy. Construction worker, very content, affectionate, simple. Before we had sex the first time he told me he was HIV+, and while I might have been scared of the idea when it was a theoretical possibility, I now had a face to attach to it. A smiling face, from a kind man who genuinely liked the kid he was dating, and as I contemplated what to do the fear I had just melted away. I could protect myself...everyone knew how. Just one simple condom. So I had sex with him. And it was the same as any sex I had had before (actually he was gorgeous, so probably a little better ;-).

Dave is the first person I have known who is faced with playing that educator role for someone else now. But I can see that he is scared. He stands a very real threat of rejection. Would 23yo be wrong for rejecting him? I don't know. The San Francisco liberal in me wants to say that it would be hurtful, and uninformed, and that he needs to grow up. But maybe that's just it. He hasn't had time to grow up yet, and I guess he deserves to be as confused about this as we all were about something when we were growing up. So maybe 23yo will reject Dave. Maybe neither of them are wrong, and yet they both end up unhappy. I hate when there's not a happy ending.

First, I hope that 23yo can accept the reality of today's gay culture immediately. But if he can't, I guess I just hope that he has a good friend to guide him through the scary stuff. And I'll be that friend for Dave.